I never knew at 27 years old I would be faced with these things. I've had very little sadness and stuggle in my life thus far and now I feel overloaded. I am happy to say that I have 3 living grandparents, both my parents, my brother and SIL, aunts and uncles, cousins, and now I have Kris and all of his family as well, and most of us are all very healthy. But dealing with a parent who is not is the hardest stuggle I could have ever imagined. I am not one to write or much less talk about my problems very much to anyone outside my family, so this is a stretch. What do you do when you feel like you have done everything you can and it is still not helping? Where do you find the answers for these things? I pray. A lot. More these days than before, but when will I see an answer to those prayers? Have they already been answered? Is this it? I am not the kind of person to sit around and wait for someone else to solve a problem, I want to figure out a solution myself and I usually want it done quickly. So all these emotions that I feel daily are hard to deal with...the worst one is the guilt. I have guilt that I don't have the answers to fix this, I have guilt that I can't quit my job and devote all my time to helping him, and I have guilt that there's more I could be doing everyday.
ARF-
ReplyDeleteI cant even begin to imagine how you must feel. Be reminded that we serve a MIGHTY God..A God who goes before us and knows our EVERY need! The Jesus that you and I both know and love, will meet you where you are. Lean on Him for understanding. Praying this verse over you this morning!
"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge – that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."
-Ephesians 3:16-19
Hey Ash, its me Kim, I was reading Jeff's blog and saw the Slivocka's so I had to take a peek. My heart goes out to you for all that you are going through. I appreciate all that was said to you in Ventrcs comment and as you know I believe wholeheartedly in the power of His love and faithfulness. He will never leave you or forsake you, keep trusting and He will help you every step of the way. You gotta let the guilt go that's not helping anyone. You are a great daughter and I know you are doing everything you can. My nephew is so blessed to have you in his life and so are all of us to have you as part of our family. I was in my early 20's when my mom got sick and I do remember how overwhelming, difficult and frustrating it was for me and my family for several years. I didn't have the best relationship with her so that made it even harder. But what I remember now is that my mom and I did make a peace before she passed and I was able to be there for her to love, support and care for her needs. At times it felt like a curse but when I look back now I know it was a blessing. My friends were having fun, getting married, having babies, and I was going through one of the most difficult times of my life. I was able to do those things too and live my life but for that season it was probably when my faith first started to grow. That's why we go through those things so that we can connect with the one who created us and depend on Him more and more. I love you Ash and I'm here if you need me.
ReplyDeleteAshley, you are certainly not selfish. I know it must be so hard to make choices when you're being pulled in different directions. I know I've questioned myself when put into such a dilemma, & then no matter which I choose I feel guilty for not choosing the other. I can only pray that God gives you the wisdom to choose well, & the peace in knowing that He will work things out. And, like Kim said, you can be thankful one day in that this can draw you closer to God.
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